Showing posts from 2017

How I Imagine The Jesus Thing Really Went

Having created everything, God spoke to Adam and Eve and explained the true nature of life,

"Right you two, I've created this whole universe for you to explore but I want you to understand how amazing it is, therefore, I've given you free-will to work it all out on your own... you'll appreciate it more that way. But just so you remember I exist, cos free-will can fool ya, I'll give you a simple law to follow; see that thing on that tree? it's an apple. I need you to remember I'm in charge and for no reason other than to see if you can control yourselves, i'm asking you to not eat that particular fruit"

Now, to say things went downhill from there would be an understatement; and God saw what a mess we had got ourselves into...

"Jesus! Jesus, come here and have a look at this!"

As Jesus looked down upon the Earth he turned to his father and squinted his eyes, "What did you think was going to happen? You gave them free-will but not enl…
I used to say that,

"Everything is ok in my life, then it all seems to fall apart..."
But i guess the reality is that i'm never actually 'ok', i'm just managing how i'm feeling enough for it not to affect others. Then it eventually becomes too much for me to ignore/hide and the 'fall apart' bit happens.
Now i'm being more 'real' with myself, i notice the little routines i get into in different situations, essentially to mask how i'm really feeling. Sometimes there is no feeling, only emptiness (i'm writing this with a smile on my face, it's dark but not depressing), and rather than just look at people blankly when they talk to me, i'll fall into a routine which up until recently i never knew was happening.
Having felt much improved for the first 2 months of the year, i decided to start work. I focused on an entry level job as not to aggravate my stress. One thing i didn't count on was all the social dynamics in an o…

Stigma, Mental Health, and the NHS

I haven't written anything for a while as I've been getting used to working and managing my health at the same time. I felt compelled to write today, compelled to write about the prejudice that I face with a mental health condition in modern Britain.

I have noticed a spike in my anxiety recently; I keep focusing on the breathing etc... as I now know it has a great positive effect on my life. But when it gets intense I struggle to think rationally and even sitting down to start relaxing because too difficult a task, I'm too hyped up to relax.

Yesterday I felt it best to book an emergency appointment at my GP to discuss my anxiety.

I entered the GP office but it wasn't my usual GP so in an attempt to clarify the situation I started to explain my experience over the last year and how I was managing to cope on my own but wanted some advice. Whilst I was having this discussion with the GP, she was intently reading my notes. Whilst this was happening I saw the same look com…

Daily Living, A 3 Act Structure

Every day has a start, middle, and end.

I thought i'd write about how I now structure my day, as it is proving to have a real benefit to my experience of life. Having got involved with a group of others, i'm finding that many of them have something similar going on and they are finding it useful too.

When I was in the deepest part of my depression, I found the most effective time to focus on meditation or just breathing or stretching, was in the morning. I found the better I started the day, the better the day went. As my health improved I began doing more and more, this came with stress so I started repeating my morning routine in the evening. At this stage it was far from a coherent, developed routine, I just felt better doing certain things so I kept doing them.

Now, something very important that I recently learnt about myself is that I can get swept away in ideas and lose focus of what's really going on. I keep this in mind and in whatever I explain below, the focus o…

My First Review: Personal Revolutions by Oli Anderson

It's difficult for me to explain how i felt when i was ill, my judgement was impaired and my thoughts were irrational, so now with a rational mind they seem like a dream. One thing I know for sure is that my focus was all over the place and i really lacked any control. I needed an anchor, something i could hold on to... i think this would normally (normally in this society in recent times) be the role of the therapist but with the NHS in crisis, that option wasn't available to me. If i was a religious man i guess i would turn to the appropriate text to guide me whilst i tried to explore how i was feeling, a passage in the bible for example. But I'm not religious.
As soon as I started reading this book, i realised it could be the anchor i needed. I understood the wisdom in lots of books, but there was always this religious or mystic undertone that i still find difficult to accept.
Personal Revolutions is different, it strips away the unnecessary to reveal the truth underne…

Should I Smoke This Spliff I Just Rolled?

Earlier on Twitter, a thread caught my eye as quite an innocent post (and the poster) were accused of perverting the minds of children, all wrapped in an assumption that all cannabis users are drug addled morons with no idea of the harm they cause themselves or others...
It inspired me to write something. I dunno why exactly, sometimes things create an emotional reaction and that motivates me to want to do something and I choose to write (it's better than becoming a 1 man revolutionary army, prepared to take on the tyrannical Tories).
Cannabis, less harmful to society and any individual user than alcohol and tobacco, more beneficial to the medical world than... well anything really cos it seems to have a positive effect on symptoms that currently have no other cure and to those families... it's priceless.
If the above paragraph is wrong, i'd love someone to challenge me on it, i'd accept any valid response, though you'd be hard pressed to change my mind. There'…

Choose your own adventure

Steve Jackson.

I think that was the name of one of the authors who wrote a great series of books, that instead of reading sequentially, like a 'normal' book would, you'd have to move to different pages via a system of luck written into the script or a choosing of paths.

Great stories, instead of the book containing one long narrative, you had the opportunity of experiencing a single short story, but with the ability to go back and change the decisions you've made. That would be nice... or would it? you decide.

I don't think time exists. There i said it. I think it's a measure of 'change' that we created, it cannot be seen, only retold. Which of course means it can be experienced, to some degree, but not the perfect truth of a situation that once was.

It might seem as if i'm forgetting live recordings, home movies, etc... think on the times you've watched them... do they ever give the full story? I've never felt so.

Anything is possible... t…

The truth and the bumbling bard.


My last 2 posts are clearly not the full story of my life; i couldn't remember it all even if i wanted to. It's just a story using selected fragments of memory, the truth as i know it, yet i have the advantage of a perspective you could never have.

I have (at times of great stress, which has been often) lost control of how i present myself, i allowed the emotions to take the lead, and just reacted. Petulantly rejecting any more adjustment on my own part and concluded it was everyone else that was wrong.

It was just a story, like the past two posts, selected memories creating a story, a story where i was a victim and had to fight back against all those that were unjust. That fight motivated me, i was playing the role of the warrior, but it wasn't my true nature. I think in terms of traditional roles i sit somewhere between bard and healer...
I wonder if bard is simply a different form of healer, emotional healing through music, imagery, story telling. so maybe i can…

Writing is fun if you enjoy writing

Timing is everything.

Truly great advice.

At 29 i had finally found an office environment where i could fit, a combination of motivation, experience, logical problem solving, and somewhere that my emotions were seen as tool that is only dangerous when not used properly... but i never understood that, i thought i did, but i was wrong.

That environment, where I experienced the most growth, was within the capacity planning department of Network Rail. At the weekend, when you go to get your usual train but find changed timetables and bus replacement services... yeah... that's Capacity Planning, and if you spent time there, you'd experience a group of the most hard working loyal employees you will ever meet, faced with the most complex of logic problems:

 'With only 24 hours in a day, how can we give more time to operators to run more trains whilst also giving more time to the workforce to carry out all the essential maintenance and renewals required to safely run those demand…

I Writ Sumfin

Writing is easy, just write every day.

Truly great advice.

Knowing 'what' to say however, has never been an easy choice for me, "will they understand?" "does it make sense?" "Why am i saying it?" "What do i hope to achieve?"I seemed to find every barrier as some sort of 'sign' that i'm foolish and to just forget about it.

... maybe now, things will be different.

But why? What is different about 'me' at this very moment than the 'me' yesterday or last week or last year or 20 years ago?

I had become very confused at some point in my youth, and i think I've been in a panic ever since, although I have early memories of questioning life my mum always said it started long before then, that i have always wondered about the meaning of it all from a very young age.

I remember laying in bed as a child, the home in the memory tells me i was younger than 10, but i couldn't be any more specific. I'd lay there …