Writing is fun if you enjoy writing
Timing is everything.
Truly great advice.
At 29 i had finally found an office environment where i could fit, a combination of motivation, experience, logical problem solving, and somewhere that my emotions were seen as tool that is only dangerous when not used properly... but i never understood that, i thought i did, but i was wrong.
That environment, where I experienced the most growth, was within the capacity planning department of Network Rail. At the weekend, when you go to get your usual train but find changed timetables and bus replacement services... yeah... that's Capacity Planning, and if you spent time there, you'd experience a group of the most hard working loyal employees you will ever meet, faced with the most complex of logic problems:
'With only 24 hours in a day, how can we give more time to operators to run more trains whilst also giving more time to the workforce to carry out all the essential maintenance and renewals required to safely run those demanded services?'
I loved planning timetables... i did good too. I don't think I was born with super capacity planning powers, it was all about timing.
I always enjoyed puzzles, I applied for Mensa when i was 17, did a home test, passed, but the thought of joining a group of people that i thought were all posh and stuff, really didn't appeal and i never took it any further.
Before joining the railway i worked in construction, i enjoyed the environment, and i enjoyed delivering good visible work to a high standard, You get to see the results of your work directly, and that's nice.
Before construction, i tried some office jobs, but it always felt so... bitchy. problems are solved far more directly on a building site.
I joined the railway a new father, with a strong desire to ensure a healthy environment for my son to grow up in. My construction knowledge helped me understand the needs of the teams on the ground, my fondness of problem solving finally had real value, not forgetting the department was in the cusp of a major transformation, which was chaos... and I'm an ancient of chaos... my social skills helped me get on with my colleagues... but only some, and as time went on that number dwindled.
I wouldn't have lasted as long as i did if it wasn't for the results i produced. It was pure growth zone, high energy, high output... and with that came high emotion... pure growth zone, I had completely forgot about having a safe comfort zone to return to, in fact, i don't remember when i ever had a comfort zone and that is definitely something I'll write about more in the future, possibly, maybe, for sure.
Where was I? oh yeah, timing...
I'm 39 now, I've 'lived' so much in-between the roles that i have ambled in to.
"I can't because..." regardless of how much shit i have faced in my life, the only reason i couldn't was because i said so. I have limited pressure on my life right now, i have a long lasting clarity that i used to only grasp in moments, i still retain the knowledge and ability to grow.
So why am i no longer a victim? Why am i writing now? how do i suddenly know what to write? because I've realised that i was only the victim of my own authority. i wanted to stop those emotions, i thought they were wrong, bad. It isn't just anger that gets heightened within me, it's all emotion, ever since i was a kid. I'm just more emotional than most, so when i feel shame i really feel shame, same with fear, pride, lust, joy, sadness, whatever... anger is obviously the most visible i guess.
The right time is now, not for you, not for the world, not for the victims i have rallied with, nor the 'non-victims' i have sneered at all these years,.. it's the right time for me. I care about every human on this planet and hope you spot the right time for yourselves to grow, be it right now, this very moment, to just do what you love to do, or later... whatever. I realise that i cannot force reality on to anyone, i can just wish you well.
So, timing... in the past 2 weeks i have mapped out the next 6 years of my life... all of it, things i want to do and i am potentially capable of doing. I guess i should write about that more in my next post.
Peace (but not total peace cos it's a paradox so wishing for it is valueless)