How I Imagine The Jesus Thing Really Went



Having created everything, God spoke to Adam and Eve and explained the true nature of life,

"Right you two, I've created this whole universe for you to explore but I want you to understand how amazing it is, therefore, I've given you free-will to work it all out on your own... you'll appreciate it more that way. But just so you remember I exist, cos free-will can fool ya, I'll give you a simple law to follow; see that thing on that tree? it's an apple. I need you to remember I'm in charge and for no reason other than to see if you can control yourselves, i'm asking you to not eat that particular fruit"

Now, to say things went downhill from there would be an understatement; and God saw what a mess we had got ourselves into...

"Jesus! Jesus, come here and have a look at this!"

As Jesus looked down upon the Earth he turned to his father and squinted his eyes, "What did you think was going to happen? You gave them free-will but not enlightenment, what 'exactly' was you expecting?"

Jesus knew this human thing was just his Dad trying to get the best out of his powers; he knew his dad often pondered his purpose, why would he have the power to create if he wasn't supposed to use it? Jesus saw his dad was a little happier when creating things, it distracted him from the pointlessness of omnipotence.

"I'm gonna start again Jesus, see if things work out differently... maybe the whole apple thing was a little too much?"

Jesus wanted to offer him some support, even though he felt God should just be happy with humans the way he made them, "They can't all be bad? Aren't there a couple you want to keep, so that the journey to enlightenment continues from here?"

"Oh that's a good idea... there's this fella 'Noah', he's figured it out... Oi! Noah, listen mate..."


God then leveled up Noah deleted all of his previous game-saves and started again.

After a nap, God returned to his project to find the humans had pretty much ended up in a similar place as before,

"Don't kill them all again Dad, you can't keep punishing them for not figuring it all out, maybe they need to go through this process before they learn?"

God was tired (and a little embarrassed), Jesus was right, he'd be focusing too much on the details and needed to take a step back.

"Thanks lad, i'll send them down some tips and tricks, '10 easy steps to living a better life'."

"That sounds like a really nice idea Dad, well done"

And God was proud...

..."Jesus! Jesus Christ! get in here lad! I've had it, i'm gonna throw that fucking Earth into the Sun!"

Jesus' head dropped when he heard his dad raging; he was just sanding down a pill box he had made for the old man's Citalopram...

The moment Jesus walked into his room, God unleashed his wrath,

"These little bastards, I've given them every chance. I gave them the opportunity and ability to live well and experience this wonderful fucking universe i made, and they spend their time purposely harming each other! What the fuck is that all about? Why don't they leave each other alone?"

Jesus could see his dad was starting to lose heart in his project; he knew God would regret destroying the Earth so he thought of ways he could help.

"How about this dad, i'll go down there and 'show' them how to live better, like, first hand you know? lead by example. They are only young, they need forgiveness not wrath"

God thought Jesus was a bit soft, but he knew Jesus was the next generation and maybe wrath is a bit old school these days,

"Ok", God submitted, "but if you go down there, you'll need to go through the whole human process, being born and stuff"

The reality of the task Jesus had just signed up to, started to dawn on him, "...even pubity?"

"Yep, it's not so bad..." God consoled his son as best he could.

"Ok, it's worth it, come on lets just get it done"

So Jesus went down and tried to show the humans the way, some understood but some clearly didn't. He learnt a hard lesson of human life, we just don't like people coming along and telling us how to live.

Jesus hung from a spike in the baking sun, reflecting on how it all went so wrong, he had seen it coming but couldn't stop it. He tried to put a brave face on it, like he had finished his task, but he was worried about whether people really understood what he was saying. Confident that someone was going to come along and rescue him, he decided to meditate for a while.

But human pride would never allow a mistake to be admitted, oh no, we'd change the world before we'd admit we were wrong. Therefore instead of rescuing him, humans thought he'd died and dumped him in a cave...

...this was the point that we broke Jesus.

He sat in there, alone, angry, disappointed. "See I told you, I fucking told you!" God mocked from above, something Jesus really didn't appreciate and it certainly didn't help his mood. How do we know this? because he sat in there for 3 days, 3 fucking days before he came to a decision about what to do.

Jesus appeared to one of his followers, raging about what had happen, "Listen, you stupid bastards, i'm coming back in a couple thousand years like a burning fucking fire in the sky. If you've listen to what I've told you, you'll get a pass; but if you have carried on fucking about and ignoring blatant common sense, then i'll leave you here to burn!"

Now, if this is all true (and it probably is) they are both sat up there now, having a look. Hopefully they've settled down and some of the anger has passed; I imagine it's why we're still here. I'd also imagine that they feel like they have done everything they can to help us, they're probably sitting back and marveling at how wrong we're getting it and how hard we are making life for ourselves... and that is punishment enough.



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